The Fatal Thing...

MAY 2012-
The fatal thing is...What? Even if we could isolate it, it doesn't seem to be extractable to allow the victim to think rationally when it comes to their abuser. I still believe I love my husband. My husband has abused me, so badly emotionally, and into physical abuse.  His careless, often damaging, choices are fueled by his sense of entitlement to do whatever he wants, no matter the harm, no matter the circumstances. His immediate reward is whatever self-satisfaction strikes him in the moment: the lull of liquor, the high of a drug, sexual use and climax... His greatest annoyance is to see someone who is supposed to be one of his cheer-leaders in life, cry when she's been hit by his ball, perhaps deliberately, or see that he's working other cheer-leaders at the same time, and question his game-plan.  He's the hero, and I am but a sub-character, easily replaceable, not very worth while except in what I can do for him, which is usually forgotten by the next morning. No matter the harm or cost to her or her child, even his own (who is also supposed to also be a cheer-leader as words are learned and spoken)...
     A pastor at one of the largest churches in the states said in warning of marriage, that if your future spouse says you are the reason he's stopped drinking/using/gambling/cheating, you will eventually be the reason he goes back to drinking/using/gambling/cheating. An innocent soon-to-be-newlywed might wonder "How could that be?" but many marrieds will say it's an amazing and incredulous reality. I've experienced just that. It's just a matter of time.
     In reality, if the single man you are dating has a drinking problem, when you marry him, he will only be a married man with a drinking problem. If the woman you are dating has a gambling problem, when you marry her, she will only be a woman with your last name with a gambling problem. The problems do not change once you are married, they are just 2 single people's single person problems brought into a marriage.
     I married a single man with an anger, drinking, drug problem, with a propensity for flirting- though he "wouldn't do that once we're married," as if the marriage fairy sprinkles magic abuses-be-gone dust on us both with the wave of the "I do" wand. These abuse "issues" that he was changing because he loved me so, only worsened once he had me, and became truly threatening once I was pregnant with his child.    
     So the fatal move is...going back to  the game, having to pay for entrance, having to be at the top of the cheerleader pyramid and okay with him selecting or not selecting you this time.  The fatal thing is to go back to the game, to face the music he plays for you... Sometimes it sounds like a death knoll.