My "Place" in his Heart

It has been months since I last wrote anything.  I have made it 8 months without seeing my husband, the man who treated me like trash.  There have been rare phone conversations, but not much communication or change.  In the last 2 weeks, my husband sent me a few more links to u-tube love songs, videos, photos from a weekend retreat "thinking of me..." I blinked emotionally, started to let him back into my heart, hopeful, hopeful, hopeful for that Miracle I'd always kept tucked into my soul.  It was near instantaneous since, after all, I'd emphatically told him not to contact me personally again unless it were about my Miracle, or our son. He didn't contact me about our son. But he opened the floodgates to my hopes and dreams, since he was contacting ME personally with images and songs about loving me, about me being so beautiful to him...

I responded with return texts of questions and uncertainty.  He left me hanging the rest of the day, no answers at all. He called after I'd nearly fallen asleep; I was exhausted and asked if he would be available the next day when I was awake and alert.  He said yes, but then he was not available. Nor did he call me back. The day after, he said he'd "just now seen my 'missed call'." That was a lie. Still the lies. My heart sank, but I forged ahead about no more "could've been's" just a need for what CAN be now and in the future.

He said I need to be responsible for MY part in HIS VIOLENCE toward me. He told me how ridiculous I was for filing a restraining order,  that I was "punishing" him with a restraining order, and how I went over the line "making him leave HIS own house !!!"--not OUR house. Not sufficient injury in his mind to cause me to be afraid of him for me and our child. Plus, he reasons, I must deserved it, because he doesn't have "any problems with anyone else, just you, Julia."

Except it was not "just me." It was our infant son, then our toddler son, then our child... And I learn and believe more every day that  no one DESERVES to be abused, verbally, emotionally, daily, nightly, physically, spiritually--not even me.

He says like he always did before, that his life is great now, without me in it, so much happiness, so many good things happening, so many people touched by his good heart. He says like he always did before that he "was in a bad place"  when he would treat me poorly, but that he's not there anymore. He always excuses his violence on a "bad place," " a bad time," not that he is a bad person, not that he is very evil at times. He was being evil still, what he was trying to still put onto me.  My fault still that I MADE HIM act that way. I know that's not true anymore. 

He tells me, as always, how much he's changed, and, as always, how I won't get to experience that.  Because of ME. He's always holding that unobtainable prize in front of me: the happy, healthy marriage and family I'd prayed so fervently for, worked so hard to create and maintain. He bolsters this lie by saying his family and "everyone who knows him" knows how wonderful he is, and that the problem with us is ME.

Except it was not "just me." It was our infant son, then our toddler son, then our child...And I learn and believe more every day that no one DESERVES to be abused, verbally, emotionally, daily, nightly, physically, spiritually--not even me. 

I am having surgery to repair the damage he did to my shoulder and elbow, cartilage torn, nerves damaged. I will be off work more days, the majority without pay. I will not be able to use my dominant arm for 6 weeks. I've already missed many days due to duress, doctors' appts, police appts, domestic violence center appts, domestic violence counseling... And the physical pain has endured even with pain medications, nerve medications, muscle relaxants... I haven't been able to work out physically for all these months.  I've been so very depressed. I lost function in my arm, foot, and I lost the outlet for my frustrations at the same time because of the same loss of function.

And yet, I will still occasionally pick up that ringing phone, I will tell him how I am still in love with him, how I still hold on for my Miracle.  But it's just a call to remind me of my place. To remind me I should laud him like all others. To remind me of my place. My "place" in his life, my "place" in time, my "place" in causing the abuse. I've changed his title on my phone to "abusive sociopath," to remind me of my "place" in his heart.  I am no where.  I am nothing to be concerned about, no one to feel remorse to. 

Solomon says somewhere in the Bible that a "fool" is someone who knows the difference between right and wrong, but doesn't care. My husband doesn't care. Never has. God wants me to be safe from harm. God wants my son to be safe from harm. I must be mindful of the company I keep. I cannot keep company with my husband anymore. Not and live.