There is not a day that goes by without me thinking of my husband.  He wakes me up each night or early morning.  It is a toss up which of two aches wakes me first, the sharp pain in rolling over on the shoulder he damaged, or the deep sorrow at losing him every single night and day. He decimated my life. My dreams. All of my young life I dreamed of being a wife and mother--I always knew I would be one of the very best at both. And I was. I still am.

I gave everything I was to be there for him, to even anticipate any possible want or need he had, and he did not lack for much. But it was never enough. Not enough to keep him from pouring another drink, and another... or lighting up his bong.  Or bolting for no good reason out the door, after instigating yet another argument or tense situation. He'd try to start a fight, then get frustrated fast that I mostly ended up crying in confusion, instead of fighting back. Then he'd snarl at me that I was "pathetic," and "why would he want to stay here?!"

I'd actually go into a deeper depression then, as he slammed the door, lying that he'd be back in a couple of hours. I knew he wasn't coming back. I hadn't truly done anything wrong. I don't mean that I'm some sweet innocent or that I don't want to take responsibility. I mean I TRULY had NOT done ANYTHING wrong.

Sometimes when he was out of town on "business," he'd hold fake telephone calls with me, when his newer female interests showed up. He'd pretend to be answering a fake something I'd never even said. He'd react vehemently to, seriously, complete silence on my end. He'd go on about this fake argument for show with people in attendance to soak it all up: his bad wife, mean wife, "pushing his buttons...well, I'm not going to let you do that Julia!" Me, still not saying a word, but, "Why are you pretending we're fighting right now? Who's there? Why are you doing this?"

He hates me, right? That's the only thing that makes sense. Except that I haven't earned his hate. I exhausted myself trying to explain things better, do things better, give him his boys' days, cook, clean, mend, heal him, love him.  It was never good enough.

So what's a girl to do? Her husband screams obscenities at her, throws her against a wall twice over a bong around our baby, slugs her across her jaw when he finally comes home after a weekend away from his family when we planned a family weekend... Then wrenches her arm up and back to frisk her forcefully... Police reports...judges... Hospital bills and weeks off work without pay...

So what's a girl to do? To help herself and her child from their husband and father?

He told me we were a burden when I told him to choose between drugs/alcohol or his wife and child. He was cavalier over stair rail, gave us the "Peace out!" sign, and said, "Bye-bye!!"

My husband has no allegiance. No respect. No honor. And a huge incapacity to feel for anyone other than himself, his wants... At whatever moment they occur to him.  He cannot sustain the pimage he claims to be.

He doesn't pay child support. Once in  awhile he puts some cash into my account, but it hasn't happened in months. He doesn't even call to talk to our son.  There were sparse times he'd call for several days in a row. Just like when he'd ask me out somewhere special, have me spend the night, tell me how amazing and wonderful and perfect it could be again, then disappear for days on end again.  He hasn't spoken to our son over the phone in months. Maybe half a year now. I try to reinforce to our child that Scott not calling or showing up has NOTHING to do with our son, and everything to do with Scott. Scott is a bad dad. He is what people call a "dead-beat-dad."

My husband, our son's father, is 35 years old, handsome, intelligent, charming, talented and unable to hold a decent, real job for more than several months.  He'll get the job! But he'll also lose it and it does not garner him the position or lauding he expects in his original grandiose projections. He is also what people call a "Disney-Daddy," a term I was instructed means a father who is good-time playmate, all fun and laughs in public, but not the same man at all when the curtain closes and the lights go down. He is also what the psychological community call a "sociopath" (more recently referred to as an "anti-social personality disorder").

Today my husband said he would sign away all father's rights to our only son, so that he could avoid paying any past due, current, or continued child support. My husband, our child's father would rather write off our son in avoidance of doing the right thing: taking care of our son.

I am sick to my stomach. It makes me sick to my stomach and sick to my heart.  I am falling apart on this one.  That the man I chose to marry, the man with whom I conceived and gave birth to our child with...wants nothing to do with me or his only son.

There are so many things wrong with the world.  But there is nothing our beautiful child ever did to deserve his father's neglect, harm, and then abandonment. 

Our son is an incredible boy.  Not just okay. Not pretty good. But incredible.  He is a dear, giving, thoughtful, funny, hard-working, pensive, kind, intelligent, sensitive (and a bonus only to everything else, handsome) child.  There is nothing in him to cause anyone to run away, or leave him behind. Let alone his own father.

I was an incredible wife. Not just decent, not just pretty good...But incredible. you have no idea the wonderful, patient, kind, loving things I did and gave to that man. I am also dear, giving, thoughtful, sometimes amusing, intelligent, hard-working, pensive, sensitive (and sometimes, attractive) woman and wife. I was insightful and creative in trying to understand the unspoken form my husband, to assuage any hurts whether real or his imagination.  It got to the point that I would have to guess what my husband wanted, not just to make him happy as it started out, but to try to keep him from screaming and cursing at me, then our child. Or throwing things at us. Or shoving me into a wall for his bong.

Or dropping our months old infant child head first to the hard wood floor just to watch the terror as I lunged to save him. 

What kind of man does that? What kind of human being deliberately seeks to harm, maim, or destroy other human beings. Whether a grown woman who is physically weaker than a grown man, or an infant who cannot even hold his head up yet against a father who throws him to the floor...

What kind of monster did I fall for? And how will God help me to make this all right? How will my God who seems to be doling out the favors for this monster, give me a kind glance. A kindness. Betterment of my own in the face of my abandoning husband's professed good fortune...?

Goo, do you hear me? Have I done something that you do not love me God? Because my son and I were abused then abandoned, and the man who did this to your precious innocent creations is out destroying any and all that was left of us, while praising Your name for all of the good this has all evinced for him.  He is being rewarded and living life with no commitments, no shame, while his destruction has me at the edge of poverty, with a wonderful child, who is orphaned by his father, while I struggle with the aftermath of Scott's many misdeeds and his annihilation of our marriage and family. How have you turned away from me, dear God? I love You. I love him, too.  But I love our innocent son, and I have to love my self.  Because no one else seems to love me.  I wonder if you do Father. The way it's all turned out. So many years on my knees, pouring out my heart and soul to you God.  SO many years begging Scott to love his own wife, then begging You, Father, to love me too.

Everett and I deserve love, God. Please give this back to us. We deserve truth, openess, love, honor.  Please bring a man of goodness, truth, and  honor into our lives. I deserve a good husband. Everett deserves a good father.

Stand for Something

DEC 2012

     One of my friends just ran into my estranged husband in a store. She couldn't find anything, as this was her first time in his store, was about to give up and leave, when he suddenly "came to her aid, and was just so helpful!" They spent a half hour discussing food, and then--after all the horrible things she knows he has done to hurt me and our son--she exchanged emails with him! and sent him some recipes and documentaries on juicing! WTF--rather, WHAT THE FUCK!!! Are we on the Martha Stewart "Battered Wives" for dinner special? She can't get a recipe to me I've asked for months, but she can hook up my battering husband with volumes of information in the span of a couple hours.

     My estranged "husband" has worked wonders at invading my personal life and making me incredibly unsettled at the least. After we'd joined a gym, he'd purposely go without me, deliberately, at times I couldn't go due to work. Not once as I continued to ask did he wait for me. He'd go out drinking when I got home.  So I found another gym that had both earlier and later hours, and a 2 hour child center included, so that I could go and have our son watched (which he would not do). He was angrier than anyone should be, and then he joined it right after me while still paying monthly dues for the other. When I joined another gym in particular for a group of girls I wanted to befriend,  he made his presence known there as well. He then started going to the masseuse I use to work on my DV damaged shoulder. Then he set up his mom-- who is nothing less than hateful toward me-- as he's fed her lies for years about our "situation"-- with the same masseuse at my small, little, low population gym. I had a more distant grocery I'd been going to, a bit of a treck away form our home, where I would be certain not to run into him. But lough and behold, he went and got a job there!

     I warned my friend that my husband was up to no good, that he was intentionally seeking her out due to knowing I confided in her. He charmed the hell out of her, and next thing you know, they've exchanged emails, and recipes.

     I quickly shared with her my disdain for this confusing occurrence. I said I did not understand how it got that far, and that I found it hurtful and upsetting.  She was defensive, started back-paddling that she was so incredibly tired when he caught her off guard. Said she never intended me any harm. I don't think she intended me harm, but it was harmful. I have worked long and hard trying to rebuild my and our son's life with only those who are healthy and supportive of us both.  I know my husband too well, and that this was just the beginning of him screwing with my life again through my friends. And it's working. She swore she wasn't swindled by his charm, that I should give her more credit, that she knows who he is.

     The next week, my son's teacher and her husband were hi-jacked by my ex in the same grocery store. Though her husband had made a practice of just walking away when he saw my husband, my son's teacher took the opportunity to confront him about innuendos he'd made regarding her & her husband both after I'd allowed him to come to our child's birthday (big mistake). He denied everything, apologized for nothing. She said he kept on and even followed them out to their car, giving her husband his card with his personal cell number on it "to talk later."

     This morning, I awoke to various bizarre texts from my ex, having swapped himself into the role of a victim, and me into the role of the abuser!!! He accused me of tearing him down, and expressed huge gratitude that he knew the great guy he was before we met, and had managed to find that great guy again, now that he'd essentially escaped my "web." He also wrote a sickening poem full of psychological breaks in thought and reasoning, accusations of the wife he abused being the reason for any and all problems, and on and on. Note that he was a heap of alcoholic, daily-drug-using-mess when I met him, that I worked hard to get him away from all of that--and that, due to his refusal to do so, things escalated into him attacking me, and our child, as The Threat to his continued drug and alcohol use.

    He then wrote again saying that he's ready to and wants to gather the teacher, her husband, my friend, her husband, along with his [actively alcoholic] mother, his dad [who looked the other way as dad's best friend sexually molested Scott], and his sister [who threatened to take custody of our son when I called the police on Scott the 1st time he threw me against a wall], to explain how apparently my mom and I are liars, and he's just this great guy & the victim in all our made up stories about him. This, in complete oblivion to the many police reports, arrest records, and judges' orders supporting everything I've said as happened so far.

     I alerted my son's teacher and my friend of his plan for this meeting, his plan to get them all aside to tell them his innocent "side of the story," meaning, his lie that my mom and I made it all up. I cannot comprehend the energy it takes to continue not only his utter disregard for the truth, but his efforts at altering reality for others to support his continued lies!! I cannot imagine...  What kind of person keeps battering away both on the front line and behind the scenes to completely destroy the mother of his child and all of her support systems...? What kind of person can do that?

    A sociopath. There is nothing he says or swears that he hasn't ad infinitum before. In May, I gave him another chance to show me the imaginary changes again. What he repeatedly showed me was that he still drinks, gets drunk, drives that way, and doesn't see it as a problem, still lies, and still holds the same perpetuating abusive viewpoints on his violence toward me and our son.  He showed me only that he was not changed inside. I tried my life to help him get well, not tear him down, to the neglect of my own health and life, to help him get better and away from all that would tear him down... I loved him...I love him... But he is sorely delusional about who did what. Emails, texts, voice-mails galore validate the truth he refuses to talk about or "see." He was downright evil to me and our son. He said to kill our baby girl growing inside of me.

     And he is still twisting facts to tear ME down...

     It is me who had to stand up to his continued lies, not the other way around.  

     I told him then and there, that if he doesn't believe in Hell, then he won't ever have to fix this while he lives. But as it stands, he will be welcomed there first. He is a criminal. And the master of his own deceit.  I have said before in response to his cruelties, "May God grant you as you have granted me and our son, except tenfold..."

     God and His Angels help me continue to keep my self and son safe from his words and acts against me.
Please, God, keep us safe from him.